shitbuggerARGH

Could I feel any worse right now?

A thought provoking question, and I guess I haven't been punched in the face or hit with a giant stick, or even had my hair pulled out...but right now, I would take any of those physical pains over how this fucked up shit of depression is making me feel today. (Apologies for bad language, I've just got to release the beast...)

I want to scream.

I want to shout.

 I want to smash up my room until there is nothing left.

I want to get wasted just so I can feel something else.

I want to bite my wrists and see the marks on my skin. Anything to distract me from the hell in my brain.

The NHS mental health team has completely let me down on so many levels, and tomorrow I've got an appointment with my 5th psychiatrist. The last doctor I saw sent me a report in the post that was full of inaccuracies and lies. A mental health department that actually makes their patient feel more anxious and more depressed? For FUCKS SAKE. They make me feel unimportant, paranoid, a burden, someone who is making a fuss over nothing, a waste of space, someone who should just disappear.

But hang on a minute, I've been off work now for over a year and just 4 months ago I tried to take my own life...So I'm pretty sure I deserve some help. I'm having to do so much on my own and its exhausting, and I'm not strong enough. I need guidance and support from professionals.

I want to get better, I need to get better. So help me you pen pushing bastards!

The system seems so caught up in budget cuts and form filling instead of giving patients the practical help they need.

ARGH I'm so enraged and wound up.

This day was always going to be completely shit as I woke up so suddenly this morning in the midst of horrendous nightmares. They haven't left me all day, refusing to budge, my nightmares love to haunt me. My counsellor has tried to teach me to pinpoint the emotions that I feel in my nightmares. And this is what I wrote down earlier...

FEAR
GUILT
PANIC
CONFUSION
DESPAIR
SELF LOATHING

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