So much stuff in my brain.
I think it might explode.
Where do I start, where do I start?
Lets start here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxEU5qlWfdQ&feature=related because this music is really relaxing my little brain....and http://www.youtube.com/watchv=i5_MzokpFts&feature=related
Its from the film The Secret Garden. One of my all time favourites. I used to love the book, and the film is just perfection. I was watching a bit of it yesterday actually...I did fall asleep..but the words and the music are engraved into my brain now, so I didn't miss anything...
Theres something about the magic and mystery in the story that has always mesmerised me. When I was a little girl I used to pretend to go hunting for my own secret garden, imagining I was the only person in the whole world who knew about it.
Finding space in nature has been such an important part of my life. And especially during the past 6 months. I feel connected. I have room to breathe. I know it sounds weird. I'm so lucky that I live just next door to a bunch of fields, because they make a massive difference to my world. Even just hearing and seeing the wind through the trees can be so relaxing and restful for me. The sea and rivers have the same effect. The ebb and flow of the tide. The constant motion of the water.
Its relaxing just writing about it too actually.
And I need something to rest my mind. Today has been a bit of an overload of information and questions. I had an appointment with a Psychiatrist, of which I was insanely anxious about. But, thankfully, he wasn't the scary mean little old man that I had conjured up in my brain. He was actually really nice. Understanding. Caring. And very clever. It must be nice to have a brain that big.
Anyway the result of todays appointment is that he is changing my medication. Which also means that over the next few weeks I might be a bit worse before I get better, as my levels of drugs change etc. But ultimately, in the long run, I'm hoping this new drug will suit me. Fingers crossed. And if not, then they will try a different one. There are so many different anti-depressants out there, I guess they must know that not every pill suits the same person.
He also talked to me about how depression and anxiety are biological. That my depression and anxiety are genetic.
Which really made me feel a whole lot better. One of my mantras is "Depression and anxiety, are not signs of weakness, they are an illness." But I seriously haven't got that completely carved into my mind yet, and I constantly think its my own fault, that I've brought this on my self. Which in fact, is probably a sign that I'm not on the right medication. Because if I was, I wouldn't still be blaming myself.
Yeah me too.
I think the sofa is calling me...