Moaning Minnie

I know I shouldn't moan but...

I am so fed up of this illness. I am so frustrated. I'm so tired. When is it ever going to end?

I have been off work for almost 6 months now. I've been on my medication since the end of October. I have had so many counselling sessions. And yet nothing changes in my world. Day in, day out, I'm stuck.

I may take the occasional step forward, but then I always seem to take 10 steps back.

I still can't even go in the car to Bath, let alone walk around the centre. I can't over plan things because then my anxiety goes crazy, but at the same time I need things to look forward to. I can't be in busy or unfamiliar places. I can't be with people I'm not comfortable with.  I can't always be left on my own. In fact there are so many things that I cant do I don't even want to write them all down.

I know I sound so selfish. There are millions of people in much worse situations than my own, and just knowing that makes me even more angry with myself.

Paranoia is a big part of depression and I am the Queen of it.

Everyone I know seems to be out there, living their lives. Making the most of each moment, sharing, laughing, loving.

I feel as if I am stuck in some sort of twisted purgatory. A halfway house between real life and the stuff nightmares are made of. Its like groundhog day. Or a broken record that seems to stick in the same place every time. Or a little hamster in one of those wheels, they cant get off, they're just stuck, running, getting out of breath and going nowhere.

Time is ticking, months are passing, and yet, nothing changes.

Is this what my life is going to be like? I can't see an end to this shitty roller coaster that just seems to be heading down and never back up.

Maybe I shouldn't be writing this. I have been thinking this week that I may stop blogging. I don't really see the point anymore.

x