Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Treading water

Despite my best intentions, I did feel guilty about not achieving anything yesterday. Humph.

Sometimes my days just seem to drift into one another, months and years go by, and still the dark days persist.

Yes they are less frequent, yes I have made progress. But the numb veil of depression still persists to cover me.

It makes the world blurred, like you haven't got your glasses on. I'm thankful that I can recognise that this distorted vision isn't reality, but it still continues to pull you down.

I've been worrying so much recently about what people think of me . I imagine that everyone is so fed up and frustrated of me moaning about things that seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of life.

 I don't want people to think that I'm totally self absorbed, because that's so far away from the truth. If anything, I try my utmost to put other peoples needs above my own. And I find it really difficult to think about what is best for me, without thinking of other people first.

I feel bad for not getting in contact with people, or not doing enough to help them.

I worry that I'm letting people down by not having a job, by not achieving anything. The exhibition was such an outward sign of my progress, but what next? It raised the bar of expectation, and I cant match it.

It feels like I'm treading water in the middle of a choppy ocean, using up energy, limbs flaying, but not really getting anywhere.


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