keep fighting

Trying my best not to freak about my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

 But its hard.

I don't want to be brushed aside, or ignored. I want to be listened to and understood. If I had a lump on my arm or something, the doctors would do every test possible to get the right diagnosis. So why does it feel different when it comes to mental health? After 4 psychiatrists in 6 months, this doctor shouldn't just flick through my notes and top up my medication, surely he should start from the beginning. He should check and double check his facts. I don't mind going over the same questions again and again, I just want to be sure that nothing has been overlooked.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. I'm not sure. I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that there is something more to my illness.

Ugh yuk. I really don't want to go tomorrow! Anyone want to swop with me? I can clean, type, do washing, be a personal slave for a day? What other skills can I offer....Oooo I can do all your Christmas shopping? I haven't got much to offer actually. Bugger.

Oh dear, I'm still wishing this month away. Its bringing up some horrible memories. And sometimes I feel so frustrated that not a lot has changed in my life. That's until I remember what I've overcome. I have fought this illness, I have battled it every day, I've tried to take my own life, but, somehow I'm still here. I've clung onto hope in the darkest moments, and I'm reminded by that everyday on my arm.

I hope others can keep fighting too. We can't let this black dog win. We deserve to be well again. Free from depression, free from our fears/

I have an amazing friend who reads this, but doesn't click on the links when I put songs on (very naughty I know....he he!) She is struggling so much with different things, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I don't want her to give up. I want her to keep fighting too. So, for her, and again for me, here are the lyrics of two songs that are a great big injection full of hope.....

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Wonderful, Gary Go

The person that you were has died
You’ve lost the sparkle in your eyes
You fell for life - into its traps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you want that person back

And all your ammunition’s gone
Run out of fuel to carry on
You don’t know what you wanna do
Cause what you want does not want you
If what you want does not want you
And you’ve got no pull to pull you through

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful"

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful"

If what you’ve lost cannot be found
And the weight of the world weighs you down
No longer with the will to fly
You stop to let it pass you by
Don’t stop to let it pass you by
You’ve gotta look yourself in the eye

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”
Oh you are

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”

Cause we are all miracles
wrapped up in chemicals
We are incredible
Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
Oh we are

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”
Oh you are

Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
wrapped up, yeah we’re wrapped up
Oh we are wonderful

xxx