Monday, 9 May 2011

primal scream


I have been so uninspired to write recently. The fact that I'm not wearing my glasses probably doesn't help either to be honest as I am skinting I mean squinting...whoops.

I also really want to paint but nothing seems to flow.

I have been doing little bits of sketching though. Even though they are awful, messy, almost unidentifiable sketches, I have been persevering. Its been really windy here (weather wise..) over the last few days and I have discovered I love the sound. When I go for walks around the fields and woods I take my camera and I've been recording little videos of the sound of the wind against the trees and the grass. It sounds pretty weird! But when I went to Wales back in Feb I took a few videos of the waves on the beach and when black dog has taken over its so relaxing to watch and listen.

This does sound super strange. Listening to waves and trees? Oh deary me.

But you know what. I don't really care. Because its so exciting when you find something new that takes you away from everything. Something to calm you down and makes you forget about the black dog.

When I had counselling last week she was asking me when I last shouted or screamed. I couldn't really remember, but it was a pretty long time ago. She then asked me would I like to scream and shout. To which I replied, "hell yes, everyday!!!"

I am often constantly overwhelmed with wanting to shout and scream, stamp my feet and smash everything up. I imagine what it would feel like, and how much of a release it would be to let it all out.

As I was lying on my bedroom floor yesterday with my blanket over my head listening to some sort of hardcore house I thought, go for it Sooz. Let it out.

I thought I had better pre-warn the rentals (didn't want them to get scared of my howling). And then I turned up the volume, and let rip.

Wow. What satisfaction. I also started punching my pillow and throwing assorted clothes around my room. My screeches and screams where pretty immense. In fact they were intense and immense.

I have so much anger built up inside me. Most of it is anger with myself, some towards my illness in general, some towards my frustration, some towards people in my past, and some of it is just unidentifiable. Which I think is fine. I'm not going to waste time trying to identify it all..!

Anyway I have been wittering on and reading back over this it is so badly written and muddled up.

Ah well.

I just want to remember that its ok to scream and shout, release the beast!!!!


Miss Piggott cannot be held responsible for any shouting/slanging/screaming matches that occur after reading this. She is recommending shouting on your own, not at a person. Thank you!

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